Hilarious Jokes

A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” the doctor queries. “No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”

A fat lady goes to a health expert: “Give me some advice that can reduce my fatness.” Health expert: “Okay. You must move your head to the right and the left at a particular time.” Fat lady: “At which particular time?” Health expert: “Whenever anybody asks you to eat.”

  Kate and Janey (both blonde) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby girl, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the…

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns…

A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother, “Is it true what Lisa just told me?” “What’s that?” asks her mother. “That babies come out of the same place where boys put their weapon?” said her daughter. “Yes it is dear!” replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up…

A girl goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner. This is tobe her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are…

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know…

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to make love when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a call girl and I charge $20 for this.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing….

A lady walks into a fancy jewelry store. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person…