Funny Jokes

The engine on the airplane sputters to a stop. The captain comes over the intercom. “Attention passengers we’ve had a minor problem with one of our engines, But we have three more and will only be a little late arriving at our destination”. A short while later another engine grinds to a halt with a…

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists…

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease. They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening. “But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?” Dr Jenkins sighed. “Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden –…

A man goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything? “He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.” “OK, have you ever been in the military service?” “Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour. “The interviewer says, “That will give you…

An ugly arrogant woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them. The store clerk pleasantly said, “Good morning ma’am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins? “The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, “Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would you…

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her…

Two guys are getting ready for a costume party… But there’s a catch: The host said they have to get dressed up as ’emotions. ‘So the first guy goes home and sticks his tool in a pear. The second guy goes home and sticks his tool in a big bowl of custard. They show up…

A woman complained to her friend she had a sore throat! The friend replied: “Whenever I have a sore throat, I just give my husband a BJ and the soreness goes away!” They meet the next day, and the woman says: I took your advice! You were right, the soreness disappeared immediately! “Your husband couldn’t…

An engineer dies and mistakenly gets sent to hell. At first he’s in shock, he wasn’t supposed to end up here! But then he starts to look around & notice things. Everyone is always so grouchy because of the heat, so he fixes the AC. And they’re always bored because there’s nothing to do, so…