There was a loser who couldn’t get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, “It’s simple. I just say I’m a lawyer.” So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said “No,” he told her…
George has an operation on his neck, so he has to be force-fed through his ass. At mealtime, the nurse rolls in a big feeding machine, attaches one end of a tube to the machine, and shoves the other end far up George’s ass. After a few days of the force-feeding, George says, “Hey, nurse,…
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. “How are you grandpa?” he asks. “Feeling fine,” says the old man. “What’s the food like?” “Terrific, wonderful menus.” “And the nursing?” “Just couldn’t be better. The young nurses really take care of you.” “What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?” “No problem at…
A husband comes home to his wife after being fired from the pickle factory… His wife asks him “So what happened? “The husband explains “I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself ‘what would happen if I stuck my needle inside the pickle slicer?’ “The…
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gentleman suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.” The…
A woman in her 70s decided it was finally time to get married. She put an add out in the newspaper. “Husband wanted. Must not beat me, must not walk all over me, must still be good in bed” She got many applicants but after a few weeks she didn’t find anybody suitable. She was…
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied “1956, ma’am.” The woman, in disbelief said “1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better.” The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over…
A girl comes up to her boss and asks to borrow his car. The boss denies her so she begs and begs and begs until finally the boss says, “fine, I’ll let you borrow the car if you drop on your knees and give me some enjoyment.” Disgusted, she turns around and goes back to…
Doris is sitting in a bar and says to her friend that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her chest. The bartender tells her, “Hey, you don’t need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery.” Doris asks, “How do I do it without surgery?” “Just rub toilet paper…
A bus full of nuns crashes and they all die and go to the pearly gates. There they are met by St Peter. St Peter asks the first nun: “Sister, have you ever touched a man unit?” The Sister replies: “Yes, with the tip of my finger” “OK, dip the tip of your finger in…