An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out “Dinnae drink frae that, it’s all fulla coo piss an shite!” The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent “I’m terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen’s…
A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, “I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes.” The pharmacist says, “Ma’am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you.”…
A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter. He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake. “Why not get it…
Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy did we go ’round. Just…
A man goes into his doctors after being assaulted by an elephant in the jungle. As the man explains what happened in the jungle the doctor is confused. “Well, I can’t see any injuries on you, so what happened?” The man responds “Well you see Doc, the elephant knocked me down and…. Had his way…
A man scores a hot date Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his tool enlarged. The doctor says, “we have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick.” To which the man accepts. Later on, the…
A man went to the doctor… He said, “Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something’s wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you’ll hear it!” The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man’s thigh only to hear, “Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks.” “I’ve never seen or heard anything like…
A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother. As she’s perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she’s ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.”Oh, sorry,” the cashier replies. “That one’s not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for…
A lawyer dies and appears in front of the golden gates of heaven… He finds himself at the back of a long queue of Popes. Suddenly, St. Peter grabs him and takes him straight through the pearly gates. “I don’t understand” the lawyer said puzzled. “There’s hundreds of Popes waiting in line and you’ve let…
A priest gets a taxi. While driving, the taxi driver is being extremely obnoxious. Every time the car gets into a small pit in the road, the taxi driver says “F***k!”or “Shit!”. The priest is silent. Then they accidentally hit a pothole, and the taxi driver goes “Motherfker!”. Then they hit a crack in the…